If That Were My Child...

Have you ever seen a child acting up in a public place, and thought to yourself, “that child just needs more discipline”, or “If that were my child…”?  I suspect most people, at one time or another, have done exactly that.  I know I did, before I had my own children.

I remember years ago, when our three oldest were little, a friend sat down with us and told us we should be more “hard-nosed” with our children.  This friend was trying to be helpful, but had a very different parenting style from us.  He felt that if we were just more strict with our children, that their problems would somehow magically disappear.  He was also concerned that they would grow up to be overly dependent on us, and unable to function on their own.

Now keep in mind that of these three children, only one, S., had any problems with “acting up”.  She was  two years old and had just been diagnosed with Pervasive Development Disorder-NOS.  PDD-NOS is a form of autism, and basically means the child has many of the symptoms, but not in a combination that fits neatly into any of the “normal” categories for Autism.  S., at that young age, had no concept of boundaries or even of the world around her.  At that time, she had a fixation on Frosty the Snowman.  She had a stuffed Frosty that sang when you squeezed his hand, a Frosty pillow, and a video.  She would watch the video constantly, over and over and over.  If she saw a paper snowflake, she would shout out “Frosty!!” and run to it.  S. had no interest in anything, or anyone, else.  Other than saying “Frosty”, she had virtually no verbal communication.  I remember one time, in church, she walked up to the front, lay down on the floor in front of the podium, and started scooting herself around in a circle.  She had absolutely no clue that her behavior was not socially acceptable.  She just knew she wanted to spin around.  Thankfully, the congregation was very small, and most everyone was aware of our situation, so they just smiled and continued with the meeting.

If we tried to “force” S. into “normal” behavior, she would either shut down completely, or lash out and bite, pinch, or hit whoever was closest.  Obviously neither behavior was acceptable, but neither were they conscious attempts at manipulation or defiance.  S. simply wasn’t capable of communicating her needs in any other way.  So we decided to “choose our battles” and focused on giving S. the tools she needed to communicate appropriately.  S. couldn’t understand the concept of transference, where one principle can be applied to multiple situations.  She couldn’t understand a concept as broad as “It's not ok to pinch someone because you didn’t get what you want”.  Rather, she had to be taught the same principle for every single possible situation.  In other words, she had to be taught that it was not ok to pinch someone because she didn't get to play with that doll right then.  And then an hour later, have to be taught that it wasn’t ok to pinch someone because she didn’t get to watch her TV show.

Despite all of this, S. appeared, to the casual observer, to be a perfectly healthy child.  Many times, we were on the receiving end of glares and rude comments because of her behavior.  We had to constantly remind ourselves that those people had no idea what was going on, and that we were doing the right thing for our daughter.  But it still hurt.  So the next time you see a child acting up and start to blame the parents, remember that you don’t know the whole story.  Sure, that child may just be misbehaving, but you have no way of knowing that.  Instead, offer a smile or a helping hand, and assume the best.