It's All In Your Head

Recently a friend was talking about her husband, and his seeming inability to understand her depression.  She mentioned that she was frustrated with a side effect of her medication, and his response was to just stop taking the medication.  She told him that part of the reason she didn’t want to stop her medication was because it allowed her to be a better partner to him.  He then made a comment that he wouldn’t choose to be with someone who needed medication for the rest of her life.  Clearly, this hurt her deeply. 

The worst part of this whole scenario is that it is all too common.  Too many people think that mental illness is “all in your head”, and can therefore be somehow “willed away”.  This is simply not true.  Sure, mental illness is “all in your head”, but only because that’s where the brain happens to be located.  Mental illness (not “the blues") is a physical illness caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.  The extreme complexity of the brain and its function means that treating mental illness requires a wide assortment of “tools.”  Medication is one of these tools, as well as individual counseling, group therapy, exercise, and diet.  The mind-body connection is one that has been largely ignored by western medicine until only recently.  Eastern medicine, however, has long seen the link between the mind and the body, and uses that link to treat any number of physical illnesses, as well as mental illnesses.  They understand that what the mind experiences can affect the body, and that what the body experiences can affect the mind.  The two are not separate, and should not be treated as such.

The complexity of the brain is what makes treating mental illness so difficult.  We know so little about the brain and its functioning, and much of what we do know is based on guesswork.   That’s why there are so many different medications available, and why it is so difficult to find the right combination to treat each patient.  What works for one person may not work for another, and there is no apparent reason for the difference.

Depression is an illness, just like any other illness.  It requires a certain amount of self-care, and that sometimes includes taking medication as prescribed.  And as with any chronic illness, sometimes that medication is required for life.  Taking medication for depression is no different than taking it for any other chronic illness.  It is not a sign of weakness, and should never be construed as such.  If anything, being willing to admit to and seek treatment for mental illness is a strength.

For more information about mental illness, please contact NAMI – the National Alliance on Mental Illness by clicking on the image below.

If...

If they had a brain, they wouldn't be disabled/poor...

If she’d just exercise more…

If he’d just pray harder…

If she wasn’t so lazy…

If she just ate healthier…

At one time or another, we’ve all probably thought, or even said, something like these statements.  As outside observers, it is very easy to make snap judgments about someone, without knowing all the facts.  But in reality, we don’t know anything!

Here are a few responses to the above statements:

Just because someone is disabled doesn’t mean they are mentally challenged in any way.  A person's physical capabilities have absolutely no bearing on intelligence.  Along the same lines, a lack of money is not always a direct result of a lack of education, training, or intelligence.  Sometimes, unavoidable life circumstances are such that a person finds themselves, or their family, in difficult financial straits.

Yes, exercise is an excellent way to achieve, and maintain, good health.  But sometimes a physical limitation keeps someone from exercising, no matter how much they would like to exercise.  In some cases, exercise can actually exacerbate a problem, rather than resolve it.

I am a person of faith.  I believe that if God wants to heal me, He will.  However, I also believe that He does not necessarily want me healed.  I do not believe that if I just pray hard enough, He will heal me.  He will only do so if it is His will.  Besides, since becoming disabled, my life has been made richer and fuller.  Trials tend to build our character and make us stronger.  So in that sense, I am grateful for my disabilities.

Laziness has nothing to do with health.  I know plenty of very healthy people who prefer to sit around and do nothing.  I also know plenty of disabled people who are quite active.  Disability is not caused by laziness anymore than health is achieved through activity.

Healthy eating is beneficial to pretty much everyone, but it is not a cure-all.  Neither is eating poorly the cause of all disabilities or illnesses.  I believe it is important to pay attention to how various foods affect you personally, and adjust your consumption of them accordingly.  For example, I feel healthier when I eat a diet high in carbohydrates, whereas my mother feels healthier when she eats a low carb diet.  No diet is perfect for everyone.

To sum up: we’re all different, and we can’t know what another person is thinking.  It is not our place to judge others, but simply to do the best we can with what we have.

The Economics of Invisible Illness

Having an invisible illness can be very costly.  If you are lucky enough to have private insurance, some of these costs can be mitigated, but even then, co-pays and non-covered services can add up very quickly.

In my own case, the cost for my medications each month is more than $2000.  I happen to qualify for state medical assistance, so I only have to pay a small amount each month myself.  But if I were covered with a typical private insurance plan, I would likely pay nearly $500 every month.   Then there are my doctor visits.  I see a rheumatologist monthly, and a mental health therapist bi-weekly.  Again, because I qualify for state assistance, I only pay a small amount for these visits.  But if I had private insurance, I would probably pay somewhere in the neighborhood of $175 every month.  That’s a total of $675, every month, for medical care.  I’m willing to bet that most healthy people don’t spend anywhere near that much on health care. 

It is very easy to assume that health insurance will cover everything, but even with the best plans, the out-of-pocket costs add up very quickly.  In my own family, because I also have two children with invisible illnesses, we find ourselves treading the fine line between enough money and not too much.  Because of our illnesses, unless my husband is able to find work that pays considerably more than most jobs in our area, we simply cannot afford to NOT have state medical assistance.

I used to think that people on state assistance were just lazy.  I was wrong.  I’m sure there are lazy people on assistance, but there are lazy people everywhere.  And honestly, the paperwork involved with maintaining state assistance is quite daunting.  It is hard work being poor!  If you work a little harder, or get a little luckier, and find yourself with more money one month, you will lose your benefits.  And until you make enough money to not only feed, clothe, and shelter yourself, but also cover your medical care, you are simply out of luck.  You’re caught in a vicious cycle, with no real hope of escape.

I don’t have an answer.  All I know is I wish we didn’t have to utilize state assistance, but I’m grateful that we have that option.

Redefining Supermom

There is stuff all over my house.  Papers, books, blankets, toys; you name it, we probably have it somewhere.  We rarely sit down to eat at the table, because it is usually covered with more stuff.  Most people would probably say my house is messy.  Maybe they’re right.  For years I thought I was a horrible mom because of my messy house.  After all, as a mother, shouldn’t I be able to keep my house neat and tidy, prepare balanced meals and snacks, and give my children all the love and support they need?  At the same time, surely I should be able to be the perfect wife, right?  After all, isn’t that what it means to be a good mom?

I have one word to say to this: BALONEY!!

I have been ill for most of my adult life.  I wasn’t diagnosed with anything till the summer of 2000, but in retrospect I believe I have had these issues much longer.  I have struggled with being the “perfect mom”, and have never actually made it.  But now, after years of therapy, I think I finally get it.  So this is what makes a perfect mom:

• She loves her children.
• She does her best, even if her best isn’t very much, to care for them.
• She teaches them to be good people.
• She gives them the tools or skills they need to be productive citizens.
• She ignores anyone who tries to tell her she’s not good enough, and instead trusts her instinct or her own personal faith.
• She is aware of how much energy she has, and prioritizes her life accordingly.
• She doesn’t worry if some things have to be ignored, passed by, left behind, etc, but instead focuses on what is most important for her children.
• She recognizes that what is important for one family is not necessarily important for another.

My children, who range in age from 6-19, are all reasonably healthy.  They have food to eat, clothes to wear, and things to do.  They are intelligent, independent, and responsible, as much as is appropriate for their ages.  They are generally respectful, obedient, and honest.  They play well with each other and their friends, with minimal arguments.  They like to create things, build things, and do things.  This makes messes, but that’s good.  It means they aren’t sitting in front of the TV zoning out.  They do watch TV, and they play on the internet, but generally they are very interactive about it.  They’ll Skype with their friends and cousins, play online games together, and generally have fun.  They also love each other, and respect their parents.

I am SUPERMOM!!

You Don't Need Gray Hair to Need a Walker

One of the things that most frustrates me about having a chronic debilitating disease is the fact that I don’t fit into any established mold.  To the casual observer, I appear to be a perfectly healthy, albeit overweight, middle-aged woman.  I am intelligent, talented, and reasonably well-spoken.  I have all my limbs, I am not stooped with age, I am not paralyzed or blind, and much of the time I am able to walk just fine without assistance.  Why in the world would I need a walker?

When my doctor suggested I start using a walker, I didn’t think it would be any help.  After all, using one would mean I would still be standing, and standing is what causes me to have such extreme lower back pain.  But when I received a walker from a local assistance agency, I decided to try it out.  I was very pleasantly surprised!

I was initially hesitant to use the walker due to my age.  After all, I’m not a little old lady, bent with age.  Some of the time, I can actually walk just fine without the walker, but the times I need it are never predictable.  As it is, there have been several times when I’ve been very grateful to have it, as I’ve had to rely on it to keep me standing when some part of my body suddenly develops severe pain.

Another reason to use the walker is to maintain my posture.  One major facet of Ankylosing Spondylitis is severe curvature of the spine, causing the patient to stoop over.  While this is not unusual to see in an elderly person, it is quite unexpected in a younger person.  Yet that is exactly what I am trying to avoid.  I’m already short; I don’t need to lose any more height!  Using the walker forces me to stand up, and gives me a way to keep moving when the pain makes me want to bend over.  Bending over reduces the pain, but staying in that position causes the bones to fuse that way, making the bent posture permanent.  Not the way I want to end up, at least not this early in my life!  I also have tall children (they seem to take after their father!), and I really don’t want to have to look them in the navel any sooner than necessary.  So, as you can imagine, maintaining an erect posture is vitally important to me.

So just because someone appears to be healthy, don’t assume they are.  Invisible illnesses are just that: INVISIBLE!  I can assure you, I don’t use a walker because I want the attention!  I would far rather be able to walk on my own reliably, than have to rely on any sort of walking aid.