Just Buck Up!

Ever had anyone say that to you?  Ever said it to anyone else?  Did it work?  For someone who is mentally ill, telling them to “just buck up”, or “just deal with it”, or “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” is pointless, and in some cases, counterproductive.  You see, mental illness is not something we choose. 

Mental illness is a disease.  It is not something that is chosen, but something that chooses you.  Sure, everybody has days when they feel blue, or anxious, but that is not the same as the depression or anxiety suffered by someone with those mental illnesses.  Someone with true depression experiences a depressed mood more days than not, over at least two weeks, while someone with anxiety experiences feelings of anxiety to the degree that it interferes with living a normal life.  For someone like this, telling them to just deal with it is not helpful at all.

So what should you say?  Well, that depends on your relationship with the person.  If you are close friends, then just be there.  Ask what you can do to help them get through this.  Offer to help with housework, or meals.  Spend time with them.  If you are just acquaintances, then don’t push them.  Tell them you are sorry they are feeling that way, but respect them, and let them be.  You could ask them if there’s anything you can do to help, but the biggest thing is to not judge.  Above all, do not say “I know how you feel!” Because you don’t.  Unless you have the same diagnosis, you simply can’t know how they feel.  

So be a friend, and educate yourself about the illness.  Everybody is different, and everyone deals with their illness differently.  Just know that nobody with an invisible illness chose it, and if there is anything to be done about it, they are likely already doing it.